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From Paddock Pashing to Double Doom Dates – Farmer Wants a Wife Recap

Melissa Smith

Tears, pineapples and a shirtless farmer – it’s all here

Farmer wants a wife is back and I AM HERE FOR IT

What a week it’s been!  

Sam Armytage, wearing a dolly vardenesque dunny girl dress introduced us to the mob of five fresh-faced farmers looking for a farmhand wife. 

This is the 14th season of Farmer Wants a Wife and this year’s farmers Dustin, Dean, Bert, Tom and Joe, hope to be one of the lucky ones to find “true love”.  

And the stats aren’t too shabby – 13 seasons has seen nine marriages, seven relationships and 21 children, with more on the way!  

So far this week there’s been speed dating with gifts of food, poetry, bad jokes, bad singing, bad shoes and tonnes of bad cleavage. It seems all bets are off as the sister-wives vie for a spot in their farmers’ top five for some casual TV polygamy. There’s been awkward silences, overtalking, hair flipping, giggling and did I mention cleavage? There’s been declarations of love for ‘all things country’ and dreams of punching out a few heirs to their farmer’s throne. Fair to say, the closest thing to “country” for these ladies is singing that god-awful Beyonce tune. No B this ain’t Texas – this is Australia and there’s some desperate women who will do almost anything to marry a farmer.  

We’ve met potential presidents of the local Stitch and Bitch Club (*cough April), women who would give up their urban lifestyle to raise kids and work on a farm, desperate love seekers hoping that a country guy won’t be as much of a jerkoff as their city slicker cousins. We’ve heard about psychic premonitions of future farmer love and we’ve witnessed tears of rejection as the three ‘dodgy ones’ from each of the farmer’s flocks slink off to lick their wounds and declare that farmers are boring anyway. 

AND THEN, to throw a cat amongst the pigeons just ONE of the sister-wives is picked for a 24-hour date for “precious alone time”. 

You know what that means, don’t you? PASHING, and captured from every camera angle imaginable.  

Not only was there pashing, but the fellas finally got to show their farmy manhood in front of their chosen ‘herd queen’ while in their natural environment. Bert the pineapple farmer slid a giant machette-looking knife out of his back pocket like Crocodile Dundee, lopped the top off that spikey demon and carved it up, right there in the paddock, wooing his unsuspecting potential future bride. I wonder if Bert knows that his precious fruit has a saucy side. Fruity stickers of pineapple paraphernalia can often be seen on caravans. Anyway, let’s just say those who get excited about pineapples on caravan doors, especially if they’re upside down, tend to like to mix things up a bit – just like a fruit salad.  

Back to the farmers. There were horse rides, a walk through an itchy crop of wheat (good choice Dusty), and being carried out of paddocks because who wears strappy’s to a farm?  The pièce de résistance was elaborate dinner setups that will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN IF YOU MARRY A FARMER with Channel Seven maxing out their candle budget.  

And of course, more pashing.  

With the rest of the sister-wives’ arriving the next day, the ‘herd queens’ have been foolishly lulled into a sense of security that in just 24 hours they were able to charm their way into their farmers’ hearts.  

Isuzu’s in every colour arrived at their respective farmer’s abode, full of giggly girls bitch talking about ‘herd queen’, wondering if she scored a pash (umm have you ever watched the show?).  Donning matching hats from Channel 7’s other sponsor, the girls have ditched the plunging necklines for plaid shirts and sensible shoes.  

They are soon set to work to “prove themselves” as future free labour wives.  

With the news that one of the girls has to be booted off, just as she got there, the Farmers had to choose the two that gave them the most ‘ick’ and take them on a DOUBLE DOOM DATE to nail down which one was the shittest and send her home.  

This is when Joe took his shirt off and the show got really good. I don’t even know what that tattoo says – it could be ‘No Regerts’ in Gangsta font and I’d still stare at that torso with sweet appreciation. We also saw the arse of Keely wearing a g-string bikini. He kept her. Good bather choice.  

Photo – Channel 7

Tom took his dates to drive a racecar at the local track because he’s 22 and has no idea what women actually want to do – #notthat. After driving slower than Rainman up and down the driveway he kicked Abby to the curb so she packed up her enormous amount of luggage, slammed the car door in his face and drove off into the darkness a bitter woman. Dodged a bullet there Tom.  

We witnessed Deano whip his shirt off to save a cow that was pushed into the mud by the Producers stuck in the mud, while his sister-wives oohed and ahhed at his heroics, wondering why that silly old cow had walked into that muddy puddle in the first place. But Deano’s no real hero ladies, that big lump of beef in the mud is worth it’s weight in cash – that’s what we call “saving money”.  

Like all good reality TV shows, we are now left with cliffhangers until Sunday night’s return *insert dramatic music here. 

There’s a “return” sister-wife – or is it? Surely it’s one of the rejects given a lifeline to the polygamy party?   

We’re also teased with a FARMER DEPARTURE!  

Please dear God don’t let it be Muscle Joe.  


Farmer Wants A Wife airs on Channel 7 and 7plus, Sunday-Tuesday at 7pm.



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