Farmer Wants Another Ad Break?
With more adverts than show time, we are limping our way to the finish line of the Farmer Drama we love to hate.
This week began with the farewell of Farmer Tom who decided that the gorgeous giggly Sarah was the one for him. Meanwhile, he broke Krissy’s heart and sent her, and her old lady ovaries packing for a one-way trip back to singletown.
Last week, we were left hanging as the Farmers prepared for the highly-anticipated “24-hour dates,” where each Farmer spent exclusive time with the sister-wife chosen by his mates. What a glorious opportunity for a classic stitch-up!
To wrap the dates up in a nutshell – there was pashing, skiing, pashing, campfires, pashing, fishing, pashing, grape stomping, pashing, picnics, and disappointingly no baths for dirty Joe.
There was, however, a weird vibe in Farmer Bert’s camp that took the wind out of hair-stroking Karli’s sails. We’ll get to that later.
The Race to the Finish Line Heats Up
Sponsored by fake tan and GHD hair straighteners, Channel 7 ran out of content ideas to stretch this shit show to the contracted episodes. Instead of doing us all a favour and slotting in repeats of the Brady Bunch for old times’ sake, they hit the repeat button from last week’s content and slid in another “24-hour date”. But this time the Farmers’ families got to choose which ‘lovely lady’ was awarded 24 hours of Farmer Fun Time.
Awkward conversations, over-the-top greetings and interrogations ensued with the sister-wives trapped in a real-life nightmare, trying to outdo each other to impress their future Farmer Husband’s family.
Farmer Joe introduced his ‘lovely ladies’ to his Mum, Granny and two sisters. They all agreed, that Joe was probably batting above his average with his tenacious trio. Ultimately, Keely won the day and Famer Joe whisked her away to Thredbo for excitement on the bike track, topped off with a dash of pashing, and a lamb roast. This culminated with Keely declaring she wanted to have his babies. Homegrown roast lamb will do that to you. On return to the farm, sister-wife Sarah burst into tears while Claire tried to woo him back by dragging him to the porch to feed him oysters. I don’t know why she thought those slimy little boogers would seal the deal to stay one more week in his polygamy prison. Farmer Joe ended up kicking her to the curb, wondering why the hell she was giving him an entree just after they’d eaten dinner.
At Farmer Todd’s family gathering, Divorcee Daisy’s fate was sealed in a “no-go zone”, as word from Farmer Todd’s friends found its way to his mother’s ears before the girls had even arrived. Todd’s teary mum declared that she wants her little boy to find love and will do anything to keep him from being hurt again. Jovial Jacinta came out the winner for the 24-hour date, and although Farmer Todd declared she wasn’t usually the type of woman he would “go for” he pashed her anyway, cause you never know, maybe he’d find that spark at the back of her throat. Safe to say, Jacinta’s place on the farm was safe and Farmer Todd farewelled background player Ellen. Hang on, where did she come from?
Daredevil Dustin sat down with his family tribe, headed by his Jackie Lambie lookalike mum. There was no secret that the family wasn’t game enough to oppose “mum’s choice” Belle, for some more “one-on-one time”. Boasting that she’d been his mum’s choice, his friend’s choice and the family’s as well, Belle’s bubble burst in a shocking revelation that she wasn’t Farmer Dustin’s choice. Not even two “special 24-hour dates” could convince Dustin that the Condo favourite was wife material.
Farewell Bert
We had to wait until the last episode this week to find out everything we already knew…. Bert has chosen Pineapples over pashes. Poor old Bert looked like he’d been dragged through his spiky crop backwards, as he farewelled Farmer Wants a Wife. With rumours swirling that he struggled with the over-production and staged scenarios from this year’s producers, those of us sitting at home were dished up a steaming pile of bullshit that Bert was too busy with farm work to pursue romance #notbuyingit. Rumours persist that Farmer Bert may have found himself a potential wife on his terms, with everyone’s favourite Lauren, who jumped ship from the polygamy prison a few weeks ago. When she left, Bert looked brokenhearted and could be heard whispering “Don’t be a stranger”. Could we see them together at the reunion? And can someone water the pineapples while Bert’s away?
Who Will Be Mrs. Farmer?
As the sixth and final week of Farmer Drama nears we can all breathe a sigh of relief and place our bets on who comes out as Queen of the sister-wives. For what it’s worth, here are my picks!
Farmer Dustin ♥ Sophie
Farmer Todd ♥ Daisy
Farmer Joe ♥ Keely
Farmer Wants A Wife airs on Channel 7 and 7plus, Sunday-Tuesday at 7pm and 7.30pm.
