Is Love Really in the Air? Or is it bullshit I can smell?
Ok, I’m gonna call it. This is the worst season ever of Farmer Wants a Wife. I mean, come on… how many baths does Dirty Joe need? And don’t even get me started on the cringe-worthy awkwardness we had to witness from sweet Claire as she manoeuvred herself in the tub like a twirling dog looking for a place to shit.
A dozen episodes down and I’m left wondering how many more there are to endure before the Farmer agony ends.
Speaking of agony, it’s only just begun for Farmer Todd, the newest farmer looking for love. Last week we were left hanging in suspense, wondering how the new recruit would accrue his sister-wives. Much to my disappointment, it was a case of “wash, rinse and repeat” as the producers Farmer Todd crushed the dreams of three “lovely ladies” and picked his top five to take back to his polygamy prison in Baan Baa, NSW.
But before he could pile his giggling gaggle of heart-filled hopefuls into the Izusu, they were treated to a night of fancy camping with the rest of the Farmer Wants A Wife crew.
Again, we copped an eyeful of awkward and staged pashing scenes plus a sister-wife bitch fight, thrown in for good measure.
Another announcement of the all-important “24-hour dates” had the girls in a spin. Any precious time with their Farmer could mean stealing his heart and reigning as the supreme sister-wife.
Teary Tom chose a unique date for his 24 hours with Sarah and took her on a trip aboard an old steam train. They had the whole train to themselves but decided to stand awkwardly in a doorway for a pre-rehearsed, scripted conversation for a deep and meaningful chat and a tonguey to seal the deal.
The gorgeous mid-wife calf deliverer, Anna, got close and personal with Farmer Dustin on her date when she gave him a slippery massage under a giant tree. We almost saw more of the bikini-clad Anna than we expected, as she straddled Dustin to work some colour back into his pasty torso.
Needless to say, Farmer Joe had another bath.
At Farmer Todd’s bachelor pad, with a giant fish hanging on the lounge room wall complimenting the snooker table, his herd of sister-wives were settling into farm life. To test their farming prowess, he chucked them all on horses and took them cattle mustering. It all looked like smooth sailing with declarations that the “girls did great”. I call bullshit. He must have gone to a different school of “farmer hand signals” than EVERY OTHER FARMER ON THE PLANET because there is NO WAY IN HELL that anyone, let alone his farm fresh sister-wives could decipher that secret language.
Finally, it came time to kick a sister-wife to the curb. To my utter delight, Farmer Joe sent Calya home to the urban jungle with her tail between her legs. Farmer Tom had two Sarah’s which was getting confusing, so to fix that problem, he ousted one and is now left with a tidy threesome. Farmer Todd had to make a swift decision to cull his herd, and if it was up to me, I would’ve shown Ellen the door for her crimes against fashion, donning these bad boys of the earring world.
No doubt the pièce de résistance for this week was the meet and greet with family and friends. And you guessed it, there was another “24-hour date” up for grabs. This time the Farmer’s family and friends got to choose the ‘lucky lady’.
Farmer Joe had some experience on his selection side with his mates being Jess and Andrew who found love on Farmer Wants A Wife in 2021. Ah, the good old days, when there was some “real” in reality shows. Jess and Andrew decided that Claire, the awkward bath sitter, was worthy of having another crack at romance with Farmer Joe, while in Farmer Dustin’s camp, it looked like a few of his mates might be hanging around to swoop in for sloppy seconds. In the end, ‘Mum’s choice’ Belle was pick of the day.
Farmer Bert’s pals didn’t get bunny boiler vibes and chose the hair-stroking Karli, but by the look on Farmer Bert’s face, there might be some truth to the rumour of a farmer farewell. Word has it Bashful Bert would rather stick his pineapples where the sun don’t shine, than be coersed into drama by the Producers, fresh from FBoy Island.
Poor old Farmer Todd had his work cut out for him as his friends and family grilled the sister-wives about their intentions. They didn’t muck around either, and gave it to him straight. Farmer Todd, smitten as a kitten over Divorcee Daisy, was told to ‘Abort Mission’, cause Daisy Duke has red flag vibes and frankly, his mates are sick of him picking bossy high-maintenance women who make their life hell. Short of being burnt at the stake, Daisy was crossed off the list and they chose the unassuming flame-haired Grace.
Farmer Tom found himself in a mathematical conundrum, counting his eggs before they’ve been fertilised. Pondering the seven-year age gap between himself and Krissy, 22-year-old Farmer Tom has concerns that the raging hormones of a woman approaching 30 might be too much to handle. Could it be Sarah for the win?
And now, because I am reluctantly invested in this train wreck of a show, I’ll sign off with my Farmer love match predictions.
Farmer Bert ♥ Caitlin
Farmer Joe ♥ Sarah
Farmer Dustin ♥ Anna
Farmer Tom ♥ Sarah
Farmer Todd ♥ Jacinta
Farmer Wants A Wife airs on Channel 7 and 7plus, Sunday-Tuesday at 7pm and 7.30pm.
