“There’s a lot of pain out there” – Broken Hill bushie, Brendan Cullen, tackles depression – one arm over the other
If you’ve flicked on the telly recently, you might’ve spotted a bloke in nothing but budgie smugglers and swimming goggles. It’s not Kyle Chalmers poolside in Paris—it’s Brendan Cullen, our very own Broken Hill bushie, striking a pose beside his dam at Karrs Station, for the latest Rebel Sport commercial.
Fifty-one-year-old Cullen’s almighty rig mightn’t bear resemblance to every other battler in the bush, but on all accounts, this inspiring bloke is as tough as they come. Born and raised on station country, fiercely competitive on the footy field, his biggest attribute, his mental strength, is the result of tackling the black dog head-on.
“I was in a dark place, and it took me to spell that out verbally. I went to the Broken Hill Base Hospital and just said I need help bad.”
“They sat me down and I remember them asking me what was wrong. I said I don’t know, I don’t feel right. I was literally diagnosed with depression on the spot, put on some anti-depressants, and it was actually the best thing that ever happened to me. It was such a relief.”
Dad to three happy healthy kids, husband to the lovely Jacinta, future “aire” to a family farming property, what does a fella like Brendan Cullen have to be depressed about you might ask? And what were the signs?
A few years before he hit breaking point, Brendan made the gutsy decision to leave Mount Westwood, the family station he’d grown up on and knew like the back of his hand.
“There was a lack of conversation about succession, I now had my own family, living on a minimal wage, often thinking about the financial stressors and whether the business had the capacity to look after all of the family members. Looking around the place, there was always that feeling of ‘this will be yours one day’ and a significant expectation to hang around, but not a lot of discussion.”
He took over managing a neighbouring sheep and cattle station, and the sense of relief was instantaneous, especially when the first pay cheque came in!
“We live through all sorts of conditions in the outback, but on that second year out on my own we struck a horrific drought. It was shocking.”
He ran himself into the ground, working long hours, going home after a hard day’s work and replenishing with a few frothies from the fridge. “I’d always have something when I knocked off. Never a stubby at lunch or anything, but four or five, maybe six when I came home. I was probably going through about two or three cartons a week, add that night or day when people turn up and you wallow into about 15 or 20.”
Feeling constantly zapped of energy, to the point of having to self-administer testosterone injections, Brendan kept rolling on, farming flat out and being completely consumed by work. He was knocking back invites and family trips because he felt he couldn’t leave the station. “Looking back now I had a lot of stuff going on in my head, and I couldn’t get out of it. I became a bit of a recluse. I didn’t want to see anyone.”
“I used to cry a lot or sit in the car just shouting at myself. The warning signs were there. I was running around like a madman. I’d go into Broken Hill to pick supplies and people would say ‘Jesus mate you look tired’. My reply would always be “got a lot on”. I basically starved myself of all joy in my life and I was missing out on a whole lot of stuff.”
The tipping point to get help came when he could feel his heart bashing through his chest – he describes it as a surreal feeling of anxiety and unsolicited fear.
The Tool Box that saved Brendan’s life
Farmers are never without a trusted toolbox, but what Brendan needed wasn’t anything you could get from a set of Kincrome. Post diagnosis, he armed himself with some tools that brought him back to the land of the living, and that he plans to use for life, and share with others going through mental break down.
Now an ambassador for Lifeline and a co-founder of a peer support program for rural and remote people, called “We’ve Got Your Back”, Brendan’s tools include reducing alcohol consumption – “I’m not a teetotaler, almost all of my mates drink, and I don’t begrudge. I still have a drink today, but I’m well aware, after bordering on being an alcoholic, of the effect it has on me.”
He makes a conscious effort to put his immediate family first, and he reminds himself daily about mindfulness. Having been a keen sportsman before life got in the way, he also took up regular exercise, pulled the footy boots back on and began running daily and being unapologetic about the time he takes out of his day to do it.
And in a dramatic and somewhat crazy twist, the outback farmer took up swimming. First with Broken Hill Swimming Club, then during a trip to Melbourne, he found himself doing a few laps of the Brighton Baths. This is where he saw a flyer about swimming the English Channel. So the bloke from the bush started training in the station dam, and braving the elements in the Menindee Lakes, and in 2022 he successfully swam one of the most daunting and difficult challenges in the world – the English Channel. He was humbly welcomed back home to a civic reception from the community of Broken Hill.
Seventeen hours in the water from the southern coast of England to the Northern coast of France, he modestly sums the swim up – “it went well, it was friggen long”! But listening to him recount the harrowing feat is another story. After thousands of hours of preparation in murky outback waters, as he entered the Atlantic Ocean at Shakespeare Beach, his swim coach, Mike Gregory’s advice was to “swim unit you hit something” – meaning France.
Brendan recalls being so insanely focused, only stopping for ten seconds on the hour to load up with energy drinks, lollies or ibuprofen, handed to him via a lanyard on a stick. Unlike many of the 1850 adventurous swimmers ever to complete the channel swim, his interactions with the support crew in a boat beside him were minimal. “I was so hell bent on just putting one arm ahead of the other. I only spoke to the team twice,” he said “After about 10 or 12 hours of swimming I saw France, and thought ‘my god there it is”.
Hitting a 4.6 knot rip that sent him drifting off to Belgium for a while, he swam through the night and into the early hours of the morning, with only a flashlight coming over on the hour to keep him “jacked up on sugar”. The most surreal moment for Brendan and one he’ll never forget, was when his fingertips dragged through the sands of France. “Holy shit, I’m here”
Struggling to process what he’d just accomplished, he was pretty quick to announce that it wasn’t something he’d like to line up for a second time, but unsurprisingly, given his determination, he returned in 2023 to tackle the channel again as part of a relay team.
“With a good headspace, you just never know what you can achieve”
We’ve Got Your Back
‘We’ve Got Your Back’, is a mental health program that provides genuine face-to-face support for rural people from the land in Far West NSW.
In partnership with Royal Flying Doctor Service and Lifeline Broken Hill Country to Coast, Brendan is one of the trained ‘Champions’ advocating for people impacted by drought and illness, engaging in genuine conversations around mental health, and linking others in the community to appropriate services. Other ‘Champions’ of the program are graziers from the region, including Richard Wilson (a former South Aussie farmer), Belinda Bennett and Jane Martin.
“There’s never a one size fits all scenario, keep going until you find someone or something that is going to work for you. It might be going to your local GP, Lifeline, peer support – just keep going until you get to that person who makes you feel good.”
You can find more information on We’ve Got Your Back by clicking here.
