Boot Scootin’ Bunny Boilers and Love Padlocks in Condo
Gotta admit, if Farmer Joe wasn’t so keen on whipping his shirt off, I would have freed myself from the agony of Season 14 faster than Farmer Tom on his Hotwheels racetrack.
But guys, I’m here for you- I’m taking one for the team.
In a nutshell, week two was a PASHFEST. Sweet Jesus, there was a lot of tongue tennis. Pretty sure every Farmer has now shoved his tongue into every sister-wife’s gob, except Farmer Deano, but we’ll get to him later.
This week saw all of the farmers and their ‘herd of hopefuls’ head to a dinky-di Rodeo. Fittingly, all of the girls were dressed in frocks and heels, ’cause nothing says “Rodeo” like pumps and designer florals.
Farmer Dean received an “anonymous text” from the Producers a concerned citizen letting him know that his favourite sister-wife, Teagan, has a boyfriend waiting for her on ‘the outside’. Erm, how do you send an anonymous text? Anyway, Teagan burst into tears, hot-footed it outta there, and Farmer Deano gave chase – #nicemoveteagan. His other sister-wife, Tiffany, couldn’t make her giant pie-hole any wider as she gleefully, like, you know, like, wondered how, like, you know, if it wasn’t true, like why was Teagan all, like, you know, crying and stuff. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LEARN HOW TO SPEAK.
In a spectacular event that had “NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE IN THE HISTORY OF FARMER WANTS A WIFE”, a reject from episode one’s speed dates got the chance to come back and have another crack at the Farmer jack-pot. One of Farmer Bert’s duds decided she’d like to have a red hot go at Joe. Yeah, I get it. Sporting a “rodeo appropriate, slinky red dress”, and carrying her pot to boil the bunny, Olivia strolled in with more front than John Martin’s to mark her territory on Farmer Joe. Unfortunately for her, and lucky for him, he saw those kooky bunny boiler eyes and sent her packing – again.
Speaking of bunny boilers, Kahli, from Farmer Bert’s herd finally got her long-awaited pash, but alas the 24-hour date eluded her once again. Amongst the tears and obsessive stroking of her own hair and ego, she appeared more confident than ever and did not doubt that Bert would be hers again. Does she know something we don’t, or should Farmer Bert hide his ice-pick?
The one-on-one dates saw Farmer Dean take Teagan to the Zoo and declare he’d like to be a crocodile. Erm, OK, that’s not weird at all. Farmer Bert took his date Caitlyn to her hometown, met her mum and took her fishing #thanksfornothingbert. Farmer Joe got his gear off again and pashed Sarah in the water hole.
Monotone Farmer Tom cried his steely blue eyes out about his dead grandfather while on a riverboat. Way to go in getting a sympathy pash Tom. Meanwhile Farmer Dusty must have run out of dating ideas. He’d already taken one of the sister-wives on an itchy crop walk, what else could he possibly do? So the Producers called on the work experience chick who came up with the lamest greatest idea ever by recreating the iconic Love Lock Bridge in Paris – Condo style. I sat awkwardly watching this train wreck of TV content, thinking that there’s now a lonely single Syneco padlock, hooked onto a wirey gate in butt f*ck nowhere, with ‘Dustin & Chloe’ written on it. Mmmm, romantic.
After the Condo love lock situation, the major sponsor Isuzu rang and said they hadn’t seen enough of their cars on the screen so Dusty did some manly 4WD driving and showed us what the D-MAX was made of.
In a ratings-grabber cheeky twist, the Producers thought it would be a top idea to get the Farmer’s mums to chime in and pick a couple of lucky lassies to fight for a spot in the herd. The Farmers loved this idea because they’re all mamma boys their mums know them the best. We got to cop an eyeful of cleavage again as the wanna-be sister-wives attempted to charm their Farmer. However, there was no cleavage to be seen from Maddie who jumped out of the Amish community wearing a buttoned-up-to-the-neck blue collared dress, questionable hairstyle and a penchant for hobbies akin to an 85-year-old. Farmer Tom picked a wedding planner who ended up being scared of chooks and getting her white shoes dirty so she racked off as fast as she got there -#wasmumdrunkwhenshepickedher? Farmer Joe looked SMITTEN AS A KITTEN when he picked Susie the Nurse to take home to the harem and Bert was a greedy shit and took both of his mum’s lady picks home because he was told to #adddrama he ‘wanted to explore and get to know them better’.
Back to Farmer Dean. He’s a whole story in himself. Gosh, it’s getting complicated on Polygamy Island. So, Farmer Dean had a little bit of a meltdown and ran home to his mother’s house to cry in his tractor bed took some time away from his sister-wives to have a good hard long think. On his return he found Teagan randomly walking in the middle of a paddock, staring up into the sky in deep reflection. He shook her out of her trance, took her back to a quaint barn and made all of her dreams come true as he declared his love for her while surrounded by OPEN CANDLES ON HAYSTACKS. Ugh, they really gotta do something about that work experience chick.
Now to elimination time! Among the mix, I’m happy to report that there were two surprise exits. FINALLY, a couple of the sister-wives woke up to themselves and broke free of the polygamy prison, realising their farmer is NOT worth this twisted world of farmer furore.
Two of our farmers broke the rules and KEPT THEM ALL but the giggling gargle of girls didn’t seem to mind. They happily fed their bunnies and polished their pots for the next installment.
Stay tuned for week three’s update, where hopefully Farmer Dustin gets a haircut and we find out which sister-bitch made my Farmer Joe cry.
Farmer Wants A Wife airs on Channel 7 and 7plus, Sunday-Tuesday at 7pm and 7.30pm.
