Week 4 Of Farmer Wants a Wife 2026 Has More Tongue Than Tractor

While most of Australia flicked the channel, I’m still here to tell you what went down on Week 4 of Farmer Wants A Wife. God knows there wasn’t much farm work.

In a desperate attempt to spice things up after the shock departure of resident villain Miranda, producers clearly called an emergency meeting.

“Right team. We need more pashing. Dramatic music behind absolutely everything and if anyone has a ‘chat’ they MUST lie awkwardly on a picnic rug next to a hay bale. And for the love of God, we need to heat things up with a compatibility test bordering on soft porn. Oh… and somebody get Scarlett into a G-banger and a doily. GO GO GO!”

Country Fair

This week we headed to Dungog in New South Wales for the Country Show.

There was beer-swilling, confessions, tears, pashing, and approximately 473 mentions of “connection.”

The new ladies gave each other a pep talk to “go and get your man”, but it was all too much for Apple A Day Farmer Zac’s newest squeeze, Pilates Asha, who hottailed it out of there before her heart was broken.

Twitchy tongues were primed for action, and with another solo date up for grabs, it was GAME ON MOLLS.

Farmer Holy Moly Alex was whisked away for a “chat” with Rachel. Under what I can only assume were strict producer instructions, Alex assured her “there’s still time” to win his heart.

Rachel pranced back to the group with a spring in her step despite not even getting a pash.

Everyone else more than made up for it.

J-Rad finally took Bobby Pin Brodie for a “chat”, which in Farmer Wants A Wife language translates to lying on a blanket and snogging.

Yvonne got the shits, so J-Rad thought the obvious solution was to snog her too.

Apple A Day Farmer Zac got busy and pashed two of his sister-wives.

The tonsil tennis game was strong.

Before Cowboy Dylan could even catch his breath, Ally whisked him away because she needed to tell him that her ovaries are bursting with eggs and must be fertilised.

Apparently Dylan is free to do whatever he likes for the next five years. After that, he must knock Ally up and provide lifelong security.

You could literally see him shit his pants on national television.

Hang on. She actually wants to get married? And have kids?

Dylan looked genuinely confused. Weren’t they all just there for five minutes of fame and extra Instagram followers?

He probably wished he’d applied for another show. Unfortunately he’s probably a bit underqualified for Millionaire Hot Seat. #poordylan

Just as Dylan was wondering what he was going to do with the turd in his pants, Scarlett arrived dressed in what can only be described as a doily with a G-banger attached.

She pried him from Ally’s clutches to explain how uncomfortable she was with the whole dating-multiple-people thing.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

Good feedback, Dylan.

He then admitted he was “head over boots” for Scarlett and would even give polo a crack.

Nawww.

Then they pashed. And somehow her lipstick survived. What brand is that? #maybeitsmaybelline

Hairy Dairy Farmer Jason, who keeps both his cards and his vocabulary very close to his chest, was pulled aside by sister-wife Logan.

He admitted he was worried he’d become the first farmer in history to be left standing there with nobody except his cows.

After approximately 20 minutes of talking at half speed, he planted another hairy pash on the smitten single mum.

One-on-One Dates

The farmers made their picks.

Cowboy Dylan – Scarlett

Apple a Day Farmer Zac – Maya

Farmer J-Rad – Brodie

Hairy Dairy Farmer Jason – Logan

Holy Moly Alex – Eddy

Off they went.

There was more lying on picnic rugs than actual conversation and at this point I reckon Channel 7 bought every picnic rug in Australia.

Apple A Day Farmer Zac and Maya lay around snogging.

J-Rad, with his dead eyes and permanently soulless expression, finally gave Bobby Pin Brodie her picnic blanket moment in the sun.

And another pash. Because of course.

Hairy Dairy Jason took Jordan yabbying in what may go down as the least romantic date in FWAW history. Realising they’d accidentally created the world’s worst date, the producers quickly handed Jason a bunch of flowers to save it.

Holy Moly Alex resurrected the iconic Farmer bath scene with Lock-It-In Eddy. Remember Farmer Joe? That poor bastard’s probably still shrivelled up like a prune. Eddy was still sporting her mother-of-pearl necklace while the pair launched into the classic backwards bendy break-your-neck pash.

Cowboy Dylan took Scarlett to beautiful Port Elliot on the Fleurieu Peninsula for a spot of blacksmithing before wandering around the aptly named Horseshoe Bay trying to convince her to swap polo for life on the rodeo circuit.

Good luck with that, Dyls.

Shopping Lists And Soft Porn

To manufacture a bit more drama on Holy Moly Alex’s farm, the producers somehow convinced everyone that Rachel couldn’t find another piece of paper anywhere in the house and had no option but to tear a page from Lock in Eddy’s journal… conveniently revealing the never-to-be-sent letter she’d written to Alex.

What a coincidence.

After Rachel made a mountain out of absolutely nothing, Alex suddenly realised he might have some feelings for her after all.

Poor Suzannah looked like she was getting more enjoyment out of eating a Magnum than dealing with this circus. Farmer Alex sent her packing and she headed home licking both her wounds and her ice cream stick.

Then came the pièce de résistance.

The compatibility test.

Right about now I wanted to gouge my own eyes out.

After a handful of mind-numbing questions about religion, babies and housework, the farmers were blindfolded and each sister-wife had two minutes to prove their “physical chemistry”. Bras came off, tits were felt, fingers were sucked, strawberries were hand-fed and dignity left the building.

Time To Choose

Cowboy Dylan is still torn between Ally and Scarlett but eventually picked Ally for the next solo date.

Apparently, after “having time to think about it”, five years to make some mini Dylans doesn’t seem so bad after all. Plus Ally’s weekends are looking pretty free so she can follow him on the rodeo circuit.

J-Rad picked newcomer Christina. Yvonne was filthy.

She sucked his finger on national television for God’s sake. How did that not secure the date? #badtechnique

Apple A Day Farmer Zac chose Meike. Let’s be honest, the producers probably told him to.

Holy Moly Alex picked Rachel.

Looks like the massage and the fact she doesn’t chat with the bloke in the clouds finally got the blood flowing. #nojesusforrachel

Hairy Dairy Farmer Jason chose No Kids Poppy.

Jordan burst into tears and turned into a sulky teenager.

Jason.

Jason.

Jason.

She doesn’t want kids.

You literally said on your application you wanted more kids.

Mate… what are you doing?

Stay tuned for next week when Holy Moly Alex finally declares his love for someone – my money’s on Eddy –
Dylan and Ally look like they’re about to implode, and apparently if you accidentally read the TV Guide they’ve already spoiled it anyway.

Until next week, this fully qualified Farmer’s Wife is signing off.

Farmer Wants A Wife 2026 airs on Channel 7 and 7plus, Sunday-Tuesday at 7pm and 7.30pm.

Missed last week’s drama? Check out our Week 3 Farmer Wants A Wife 2026 recap.