Three South Australian Farmers Lead The Charge As Fake Tans, Festoon Lights And First Kisses Kick Off for Farmer Wants A Wife 2026
Farmer Wants A Wife 2026 hit our screens this week and this old farmer’s wife is HERE FOR IT. With three South Australian farmers leading the way and two Queenslanders rounding out the five, these romantic hopefuls are crossing their fingers they’ll find their perfect match.
I’m convinced the reality TV show has picked up a secret sponsorship deal with a teeth whitening company – there’s not a coffee stain, chip or suspicious yellow chomper in sight. The fake tan budget appears to have received a healthy increase too.
The decorating budget has also been renewed, and the producers were at it again with tealight candles, festoon lighting, strategically placed hay bales, and this year, an abundance of fake flowers.
Like lambs to the slaughterhouse, our farmers swaggered in to meet their sister-wives who had spent the previous hour chugging glasses of champagne while simultaneously plotting tactics on how to win over a bloke they hadn’t even met. There was plenty of giggling, hair flicking and whispered “oh my gods” as the women sized up both the farmers and the competition.
The Five Farmers Of Farmer Wants A Wife 2026
First in for Farmer Wants a Wife 2026 was Jarrad, the 41-year-old almond farmer from Taylorville in our very own Riverland. He was followed by Cowboy Dylan whose cheeky grin arrived several minutes before his giant hat did. Dylan hails from Cherry Gardens, which yes, is technically a suburb of Adelaide, but we’ll get to that later. Then came Zac, the apple farmer from Forest Range who looked about as comfortable as a cat at a dog show.
The Queenslanders then followed with Jason, the Hairy Dairy Farmer. He can leave a bottle of milk at my front door anytime he likes. Then there was Alex, who claims to be Australia’s only beef wellington farmer. To me he looks less like a farmer and more like the accountant of the farming world. Polished, slightly left of centre and convinced he’s got superior intellect. He describes himself as a deep thinker. I think he’s been chewing on some funky fungus.
To be fair though, Farmer Wants A Wife does have a decent track record for a reality series. Eleven weddings, 28 babies and whispers of another proposal on the way is enough to keep hope alive for another season.
Fake Tans, Fake Lips And Fast Dating
Speed dating got underway and the ‘lovely ladies’ were in top form. There were fake tans, fake lips and fake boobs with cleavage as far as the eye could see. Hair had been styled within an inch of its life and dresses came in every colour of the rainbow. There were also some very interesting accents floating around the room. You know the ones – the Trude and Prue accents where everything is draaaawwwnnnn oooouuuttt and they just luuuurrrvvveee the great outdooooorrrssss because it’s sooooo niiiccceee in the coooouuunnnttrrryyy.
The speed date gifts were equally impressive. We saw blindfolded chocolate feeding, a golf game, crocheted cow, a dance lesson, book, a heart-shaped patch of lawn shoved into a box, balloon animals and one sister-wife who thought a chicken impersonation would be the key to finding true love. #buckbuckfail
The five farmers eventually had to narrow their choices down and by the look of some of them, it was pushing well past midnight by the time filming wrapped. Between the nerves and the truckload of champagne they’d all been fed, lovely sister-wife Bene eventually toppled over in an elegant fainting episode. You’ve got to give it to her, if she faked it she deserves a Logie. Hairy Dairy Farmer Jason handled it like a complete gentleman and earned himself a few extra points in the process. #teamhairydairy
Then it was time for the all-important 24-hour dates.
Cowboy Dylan
Cowboy Dylan chose Ally for his first date because she was “real pretty aye”.
Now Dylan lives in Cherry Gardens, technically a suburb of Adelaide and just a half-hour drive from the CBD, but he sounds like he was raised somewhere between Alice Springs and a Slim Dusty album.
Back at the farm, Ally met Billy-Bob the horse and quickly learnt that if she wants a future with this cowboy, she’ll need to be happy following him around the rodeo circuit while he risks a broken neck for fun.
The date followed the standard Farmer Wants A Wife formula. Hay bales, candles, cushions, cheese platter and enough festoon lighting to be seen from space.
Things appeared to be going well when Ally casually informed Australia that she’d let the cowboy “put his finger wherever he liked” #toomuchinformation.
After leaving her hanging for most of the evening, Dylan finally swooped in and planted a kiss on her while she was being interviewed about not getting one.
Nice work, Dyls.
Apple a Day Zac
Poor old Farmer Zac.
Within about five minutes of appearing on our screens he found himself trapped in a producer-created nightmare called Miranda.
Look, it wouldn’t be Farmer Wants A Wife without a designated villain and Miranda appears determined to nail that role early. Whether it’s clever editing or not, some of the things coming out of her mouth were enough to make every woman watching yell at the telly.
Miranda proudly declared herself high maintenance, announced she doesn’t want to get her hands dirty and repeatedly questioned whether Zac could “handle her”.
RUN FOR THE HILLS AND HIDE IN YOUR APPLE TREE ZAC!
When asked whether she’d normally go for someone like him, Miranda launched into a bizarre explanation involving blue eyes, tall men and future children. Personally, I call bullshit on those blue eyes of hers and suspect either contact lenses or the devil. Maybe that’s why she wears two crucifixes around her neck.
Unfortunately, Zac ignored the warning signs and invited her home, but not before a hot date with the lovely Grace.
Back at the apple farm, Zac and Grace chowed down some juicy reds, discussed apples and made apple crumble, which, surprisingly enough, tasted quite appley.
The pair skipped straight past normal first-date conversations and launched into discussions about marriage timelines and children. Apparently 30 is the magic age to start a family. Call me old-fashioned, but I’d usually like to know whether someone chews with their mouth open before planning the nursery.
All that baby talk must have stirred up Grace’s ovaries because before long she launched a pash that sent Zac straight to apple heaven.
Holy Moly Alex
Farmer Alex picked ‘Lock It In’ lawyer Eddy for his first date and the pair spent most of it discussing life goals, financial security and future plans while he gasped ‘Holy Moly’ at every turn.
While most people would normally spend their first date waiting for some sparks to fly, Alex and Lock It In Eddy appeared to be drafting a five-year strategic plan.
At one point Eddy informed Alex and the entire nation that her parents hadn’t provided her with everything she’d wanted growing up, and financial security was top of her list. On behalf of parents everywhere currently paying mortgages, school fees and grocery bills – STFU Eddy.
The date ended with Alex producing a “mother of pearl” necklace he no doubt picked up at Lovisa and had been carrying around in his pocket. He draped it around Eddy’s neck like he’d just branded her the Holiest of the Molyest.
Farmer J-rad
Single dad Jarrad put all of his eggs in fertility nurse Carly’s basket for his first date back in the Riverland – and from the outset it was clear neither of them are interested in wasting time.
Carly repeatedly explained how much she loves nature. Let me speak from experience Carly, everyone loves nature until nature is inside your house after a blustery northerly. Then nature can rack right off.
Being the oldest farmer at 41, J-Rad is keen to find someone to build a future with and potentially add a few more farm-hands to the family. Carly seems more than happy to embrace the caring role, take on his kids and maybe pump out a few of her own. The deal was sealed with another fire-pit pash.
Hairy Dairy Farmer Jason
Hairy Dairy Farmer Jason chose fellow single parent and veterinarian Beth. Nice work Jason – a vet is a pretty handy asset for a dairy farmer #ca-ching
The pair bonded over raising children, navigating life as single parents and the fact their ex-partners are largely out of the picture.
Of course, in FWAW style it was another candlelit setup, another cheese platter and another opportunity for a pash.
Beth spent most of the evening lovingly stroking and losing her tiny arm in Jason’s enormous beard. By the end of the night that beard had seen more action than most of the contestants.
The first week wrapped up with a preview of Miranda chugging some bitch juice and spewing it all over the place back at Apple A Day Zac’s farm.
No doubt the producers will keep her around for as long as they can because every season needs a villain!
And judging by the look on her face, Miranda is only just getting started.
Farmer Wants A Wife airs on Channel 7 and 7plus, Sunday-Tuesday at 7pm and 7.30pm.
Until next week, keep your teeth white, your fake tan even and your expectations realistic. Subscribe to our newsletter for more regional stories, events and unsolicited opinions on people finding love on television.
